Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.