Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.