Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
How is it still this week?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.