former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
me
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me sliding into hell like
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*