Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
The struggle is real
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.