13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
6: are snakes just neck?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
May have had one breakfast too many
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it