*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
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Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
finally found a reasonable question
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!