“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Real House Wines.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
This is my favorite one of these!
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
live long and prosper!
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.