bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
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me adding lol on a serious message
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god