Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”