I feel seen
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
idk flipping houses looks really hard
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?