Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?