It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
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I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
i think both sides are to blame here
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.