[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
You Might Also Like
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My kitchen overserved me.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.