Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv