the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
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“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Ugh
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?