Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
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C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
sry