[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
found my next D&D character name
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…