excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
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In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I feel seen.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.