I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
just make the entire table out of coaster
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*