Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I’m literally crying
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”