Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
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My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
this is the best day of my life
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.