Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.