Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
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I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”