[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
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My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
That 👊
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
🙂🐾
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.