If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
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Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
pat pat
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean