If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.