High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
You Might Also Like
they split up moments later
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
set yourself free xox
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.