Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.