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Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.