The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?