HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
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*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!