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[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.