SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Strange
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.