I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops