[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo