Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
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I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.