India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter