I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.