“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Beware of the dog..
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.