With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
You Might Also Like
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
i dont have time for this
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*