Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Erm I’m gonna say no
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Waiting for the Charmin
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?