Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
oh no, steve’s working tonight
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away