Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
You Might Also Like
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.