*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Saw online –
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.