Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
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what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples