Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
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*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
23. the denim jacket
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.