my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
my astrological sign is a french fry
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?