What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.