I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
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but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Damn he played himself